The Driving Conversation No One Wants to Have

How to Talk to Your Parents About Driving Safety-Without Starting a Family War

by Dennis Patouhas

I didn’t expect a change in my voice to sharpen how I thought about risk. But after years of clear projection, I began noticing that by mid-afternoon my voice thinned, grew raspy, and lost strength. Hosting a podcast made the change impossible to ignore. Nothing felt dramatic—but something was different, and pretending otherwise wasn’t helping.

That same dynamic plays out every day in families having a much harder conversation: whether an older parent is still safe behind the wheel.

Driving is one of the last everyday activities that quietly signals independence. Which is why concerns about safety often surface only after a close call. According to the American Automobile Association, more than 20 million older adults are expected to face driving limitations in the coming decade, yet most families delay the discussion until after an accident or near-miss.

Avoidance feels polite. It isn’t protective.

Why Driving Safety Triggers So Much Resistance

From a clinical and behavioral standpoint, driving represents far more than transportation. It is autonomy, routine, and adult authority wrapped into one daily task. Research in gerontology and occupational therapy shows that when driving ability is questioned, older adults often experience it not as a safety issue, but as a referendum on competence.

That reaction isn’t denial in the casual sense. It’s self-protection.

Physical changes—reduced neck rotation, slower reaction time, diminished contrast sensitivity—often happen gradually. Cognitive changes can be even harder to self-detect. When family members raise concerns, the message can feel abrupt even if the evidence has been accumulating for years.

For adult children, the hesitation is different. There’s uncertainty about judgment, fear of damaging the relationship, and discomfort with reversing long-established roles. Many people worry about overreacting. Others worry about being too late.

Signs That Merit Action—Not Just Concern

Experts emphasize patterns, not isolated events. One missed turn means little. Repeated incidents signal risk.

Physical and visual red flags include:

• Difficulty checking blind spots
• Slower response at intersections
• Trouble reading signs or signals
• Unexplained dents, scrapes, or near-misses

Cognitive and processing concerns include:

• Getting lost on familiar routes
• Confusion about right-of-way
• Inconsistent speeds
• Difficulty with left turns or merging

Behavioral indicators include:

• Passengers feeling unsafe
• Other drivers honking frequently
• Avoidance of night, highway, or bad-weather driving
• Traffic warnings or citations

When several of these appear together, clinicians agree the issue is no longer hypothetical.

How Experts Recommend Starting the Conversation

The most effective approach is clinical, not confrontational.

Occupational therapists and geriatric specialists recommend focusing on observations, not labels. Specific incidents carry more weight than general impressions. Timing matters as well—avoid raising the issue immediately after a stressful driving event or in front of an audience.

Language also matters. Framing the discussion around safety and shared problem-solving, rather than capability, reduces defensiveness. Listening is as important as speaking. Some parents are already aware of the changes but unsure how to address them.

When resistance is strong, professionals often recommend an objective evaluation by a certified driving rehabilitation specialist. A third-party assessment removes family members from the role of judge and places the decision in a clinical context.

When Families Hit a Wall

Physicians can play a pivotal role, though many hesitate to raise the issue without prompting. Some lack training in driving assessment; others worry about damaging trust. Quietly sharing specific concerns with a parent’s doctor before a routine visit often leads to a more productive discussion.

Departments of Motor Vehicles in most states allow confidential requests for driver re-evaluation. These processes are formal and consequential, but they shift responsibility away from family dynamics.

Law enforcement, contrary to common belief, is rarely helpful unless there is immediate danger. Age alone is not grounds for intervention.

When Police Get Involved, It’s Often Already Too Late

I’ve seen how quickly an abstract concern becomes a crisis. In one case close to home, an older family member with emerging cognitive decline drove for roughly seven hours, likely trying to get home but unable to recognize familiar routes. She eventually pulled into a gas station late at night, low on fuel, still wearing a nightgown.

A station attendant recognized something was wrong and called police. Officers intervened not because of age, but because the situation had already become unsafe. The family was contacted only after that point. No one was hurt—but the outcome depended entirely on chance and on a stranger noticing something was wrong.

That was her last drive.

Why it matters: Law enforcement is designed to respond to danger, not prevent it. Families who wait for police involvement have usually waited too long.

Legal and Ethical Reality

There is also a legal dimension families rarely consider: negligent entrustment. Courts may examine whether someone knowingly allowed an unsafe driver access to a vehicle—particularly if the car is owned, insured, or maintained by a family member.

Even when legal liability is unlikely, documentation matters. Not because families expect litigation, but because it shows that reasonable steps were taken to reduce risk.

Planning the Transition

Giving up driving does not have to mean giving up independence. Transportation planning works best when it is practical and specific: family ride schedules, senior transport programs, ride-share services, or community volunteer drivers. When costs are compared, many families discover that alternatives are less expensive than maintaining a car.

What matters most is continuity—making sure the activities that matter still happen.

When Cognitive Decline Is the Core Issue

If confusion, disorientation, or memory lapses are present, driving must stop immediately. No amount of supervision makes driving with dementia safe. A full medical evaluation is essential, not only to confirm diagnosis but to rule out reversible causes such as medication effects or metabolic issues.

What Changed After I Paid Attention

Losing some vocal strength forced me to stop assuming that continuity equals stability. Small changes are easy to rationalize—until they interfere with function. Once I understood what was happening, I adjusted how I worked and how I listened to my body.

That same clarity helps in family conversations about driving. The goal isn’t control. It’s accuracy.

The Bottom Line

Talking to parents about driving safety is difficult because it challenges identity, not just behavior. There is no perfect script, and there will almost always be resistance. But delaying the conversation increases risk for everyone involved.

Approached early, factually, and with preparation, the discussion is more likely to lead to adjustment than crisis.

Avoidance feels kind. Attention is kinder.

About the Author
Dennis Patouhas is the founder of the HealthyAgingShow.com and  host of a long running radio show on health, wellness and longevity, now a podcast and former owner of Comfort Keepers of Lower Fairfield County, Connecticut. Over two decades in home care, he observed how families navigate driving safety decisions—and how often those conversations come too late.

Resources

AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety – Senior Driver resources and assessment tools

AARP Driver Safety Program – Refresher courses for older drivers

Association for Driver Rehabilitation Specialists (ADED.net) – Find certified driving evaluators

Eldercare Locator (eldercare.acl.gov) – 1-800-677-1116 – Connects families with local senior transportation options

Your State’s DMV – Search “[your state] report unsafe driver” for confidential reporting procedures

Nolo / Justia (plain-language legal guides):

Nolo: “Negligent Entrustment

Justia: “Negligent Entrustment”